I have an iPhone and receive food stamps, do you hate me?

First off I am in no way a professional writer. I am just a girl who writes from her heart. I figured with a risky title everyone going into this blog would have their angry eyes on. They would assume I was another one of THOSE welfare people who is making our country go broke. I figured you, the reader, would automatically want to leave me some links to the wonderful news paper articles you find online about how the welfare system doesn't work and how we (the welfare families as YOU call us) have it way easier then you do, the non welfare families. So, where should I start...As some of you know from previous posts I not only raise my own child, who is 5, but I also raise my friends child who is 15 both with no child support. We live in a decent 2 bedroom place where I share a room with my daughter so the teenage boy can have a space of his own and I drive a car that is paid off. We do not have cable tv, the teenager does have a cell phone on wifi but no cell service, and I have an iPhone my father got for my for an early birthday gift. As a single parent working has been difficult at times. When you have a teenager that needs extra attention at times due to his past,a little girl who has some pretty bad lung issues, and health issues yourself missing work just happens. When you live around no family because moving back to California is NOT an option you tend to learn to suck it up and figure it out. I was taught that working hard and paying your way is the proper thing to do and yet here I sit at home after sending my daughter to preschool not going to work, but why? If I went back to age 15 and began to tell you my story of depression, suicide, living in an institution, and so on would you possibly understand it more? If I told you of the struggles the teenager has because of abuse, neglect, and being abandoned and how I raise him outside of the foster care system WITHOUT state money, would you understand? If I told you that I volunteer as much time as possible in our local community due to guilt of taking YOUR hard earned tax money, would you understand? Probably not...you would still share the wonderful articles you find online about how great we live and how easy welfare families have it. You would find youtube videos showing what low life's we are and how you are tired of paying for us to live. You would point out in your facebook statuses how everything should be taken from us because we do not deserve it since YOU are the one working and if you do not think YOU are the one who would ever do such a thing think again. Yes we stay fed due to food stamps and we have a roof over our head due to housing assistance but there is constantly a threat of that going away. There is always a threat of a bill being passed to lower assistance which is already VERY low even more. I am not here to talk you into standing up for higher food stamps or assistance but simple to talk you into being nice. Stop being to hateful to those you do not even know. In EVERY system there are abusers but not everyone is that way. I decided to write this post due to the over whelming hate for people on assistance. The automatic judgement of some young single mother, struggling family, single father, or even just a single person who is currently out of work. I do not normally try to brag about raising the teenager or my daughter alone but I am simply sick and tired of people saying things not only online but to my face about the laziness of welfare families when they have/had no idea I was one of those families. I know how hard it is for myself to read some of the stuff online that others share and I want others out there to know that just because you receive assistance does not make you a low life, beggar, uneducated, unworthy, lazy, or anything else bad. You are a human being like anyone else who was put in a position in this chapter of life and receiving assistance does NOT define who you are. So, think twice before you share, speak, post, or read online. Remember me, Tabatha, the single mother you go to church with, volunteer with, work with, and do life with. Remember that some of those "welfare families" are your friends, neighbors, advocates, babysitters, and family and we ARE trying to get off assistance. We are working hard even if our "hard work" looks different than yours. I've debated this post for so long due to having to put myself out there so much and in the end I decided to go for it. So here it is...all in the open. Oh and thank you.

Raising a non systemed foster child.

I began raising Justin in July of 2011. This is not the first time I have taken him in while his mother took care of her mental illness/addiction. See, Justin's mother and I were best friends. She struggles with a mental illness as many people do. After her injury we both decided I would take Justin, then age 12 into my home. This was not a state placement but simple an agreement between himself, his mother, and I. I have had him since. I raise this child as my own with no help financially from anyone or any organization. Of course I took him on myself and it was my choice and I did not let money stop me. Would money be nice, of course it would but the truth is there is no money to get. I am not his legal foster parent, his mother is still recovering from her injuries from the tornado, and the state has no kind of help for these situations...that we know of, YET. I am a single mother of him and my 4 year old daughter and we make it by our own means. Recently I have met another single mother in a very similar situation. She too is raising a child of no blood relation as her own with no financial help from anyone. I began thinking about how our personal child "fostering" has to change what statistics say about all the children without homes. This has to change the numbers in some way. I began thinking about it and realized we are not the only two in this little area. I know of another single mother who took in a teenager and another couple that took in a teenager as well. Most of us do not, at first glance, seem to have the finances, space, or time for such a thing but we beat all that out with our hearts and the grace of God. I deal with many people questioning my choice to raise this child when I struggle financially. I couldn't imagine what would happen if I gave up during our tough times then and now. I do not know the full extent of these other families but I do know Justin's story. His family struggled with addiction, he was not treated right, and he also struggles with mental illnesses of sort. This child has not had an easy life and was headed down a bad path as he was having aggression/respect issues upon many other things. In the short time I have been raising him he has gotten on the honor roll and has turned into a pretty good kid. We still struggle with respect here and there as any teenager does and especially any teenager with a past like him but we make it. There is no help out there for people doing what I am doing. Many have suggested calling legal aid, local lawyers,and DFS for help and every single one of them have no answers. Help is not always financial sometimes it is just time. One can get a temporary custody paper but that only goes so far. If I personally know of 4 people who have been through or are going through similar situations why is there no resource center for us? Why is there no national notice of such situations? I do not want an award for caring for a child because it is the right thing to do but I do want there to be more notice that things happen. People take on other children for free without state involvement and make sacrifices every single day because these children matter. I do feel that it is MY problem because God did put this child in my life and presented the opportunity. How many of you would make such a sacrifice and if you would not would you be willing to help others in need in one way or another? Would you be willing to give up your bedroom for a friend child? would you give up new clothes, shoes, a nice car, and getting your hair done so you can help keep one child out of the system of statistics? If you know anyone in this situation please thank them and if you know of any resources please share. Open your eyes. Speak out. Help those around you.

A 28 year old dish washer at your service.

I have spent a lot of time recently talking with one of my best friends about where we are in life. Both of us had spent quite a bit of time in group homes and institutions in our teenage years and felt that we had a semi late start on life. I got out of my last home when I was almost 19. I figured out how to sign up for college and went from there. I never had the proper guidance in school so I took the wrong classes, got into some student loan debt, and now have officially dropped out. During the last 10 years or so of school (off and on/more off then on) I have worked many jobs. I started doing food work and eventually worked my way to doing tech support and then taxes. I feel my resume looks pretty ok for a 28 year old until I start looking around at others who are my age and have a carrier or even just a job that pays their bills without much worry. I stopped doing taxes recently and went back to fast food work. I work at a place that I can honestly say I love the family that owns it as well as the food that we serve. I do a lot of cleaning and cooking during my days and sometimes find myself asking why I went from the office work to this I find it funny how the answer comes just as quick as the question. I finally have a job that works with me being a parent. I get to be a mom to Tay and I get to work. I get to miss a day for doctors appointments and not have to worry about getting pointed out. I get to volunteer at my favorite places and take my daughter to ballet. Do you know what it is like being an inch worm in life when you seem to be surrounded by others breezing along? I can tell you that I used to be so upset over this very situation. I remember how much I hated myself because all I could see was the failure in front of me. The constant list of self let downs. Today, I can see I am moving along. I am SLOWLY moving along on this path of working with the youth and in no profit. I know where my heart is and will know how to appreciate the moment my dreams come true. I know what it is like to do work to get to a goal. I used to be so very angry at my parents for sending me away but today could not imagine life without being so independent. Sure, I am a 28 year old fast food worker and college drop out which with the glass half empty one could see me as a failure. Then you get to hear the rest of my story...I am also a child of institution, a single mother, a volunteer, a dreamer, and an abuse survivor working my way inch by inch towards my dream.

Stometimes even the strong fall down.

I was not always known as a strong person. There was a time when I was known for being the opposite. I was known for being weak, having issues, being weird, causing trouble, failing school, and simply being hard to deal with. It took me a very long time to change peoples views of me. I first learned to hide a lot more so that people could not use those things against me and then eventually I began honestly fixing some of those issues. I have many friends tell me how easy I am to talk too and how great of a person I am yet at times I see the old Tabatha coming right back out. It seems like it was just yesterday that I was living in a lock down group home being told every move to make during my days. Seemed like it was just yesterday I was celebrating milestones like 60days without cutting myself or one straight week of good eating behaviors. Getting recognized for those little things we did every single day. Today, recognition still means just as much but comes for different reasons. Friends recognize how kind you are, parents recognize how much progress you have made, boyfriends recognize how much you love them, and you recognize how much you have changed. Then there are those other times which you recognize old behaviors coming back. Reality hits and you realize some triggers never go away and some coping skills even bad are still just as easy to run too as they were when you were 14. As I have said in previous blogs I struggled with self mutilation. Although I do not cut as much I used to some things still lead me in that direction and before I know it I am sitting in my bathroom getting things "ready". Most of the time, about 90% of it I am able to talk myself out of it with a good cry and prayer. I go on with my day and continue to try and work through whatever it was that lead me in there to begin with. Other times I am not so lucky. I feel once again like a teenager trying to hide my cuts from my parents but we all know that even if the cuts are hidden in places no one will see the wounds show upon your face for the world to question. I try and figure out what causes me to do this and I do not believe there is a very short way to say/write it. I do know that some of the things I struggle with are fixable with time, prayer, and growth. Some things done in the past never fully go away. Some abuse will haunt women for the rest of their life and all it takes sometimes is a certain noise, smell, or touch, a man to use a certain word a certain way, and sometimes even just the way a certain move or commercial on tv looks. I do try to use the past abuse as motivation as much as possible yet sometimes these flash backs mixed with every day stressers are a struggle. My body is one filled with scars of the past abuse from not only myself but also others. This is me, a 28 year old single mother of 2 letting the world know that even I struggle. Even I am not perfect in any way and even I fall at times but in the end even I am able to dust myself off and grow with the help of God and the people he sends into my life to stand by my side.

Thankful.....

I try to think of the gratitude list on a daily baisis. There was a day when all I could think about or focus on was the bad and the hurt. For me, this changed when I gave my life to Christ. I began to learn from the new people I was surrounding myself with that it was possible to see light in everything. I have been told this my whole life but it takes on a new light when people are living what they are speaking. At first focusing on the good was so tiring. It took so much concious thinking. I had to fight the instant negative thoughts with the good things, even if they were small. At times a situation like not having enough money for a certain bill would need to be counter acted with a thought of grattitude for something as simple as my fluffy pillow. I am so thankful today. I am thankful for the day I had with awesome friends. I am thankful for the random act of kindness that made that possible. I am thankful for all the text messages wishing me a happy day. I am thankful for the possiblity of spending Christmas with family. I am thankful for my bills being paid, an amazing child, a great boyfriend, a new job opportunity and the ability to give it a shot...The list goes on and on. I get the blessing of waking up every day being proud of me. I never fall asleep wondering why I am here anymore or if I am doing enough. I am doing my best with Christ in my corner. Blessings. I really do appreciate everyone. Even those that hurt me because I was able to take that hurt and use it for motivation after I was done using it as an excuse. Blessed. Life is not perfect and I am sure it never gets that way but I have never been happier and more filled with love in my life.

Found my old jounal today.

I was reading old journals today and started thinking about my past and how far I have come not just in life but in my heart. I found this one writing in particular that really stood out... ...She started when she was 14. A beautiful young child can seem so innocent but have felt so much pain. It began with a few small scratches. One for every guy, one for every cry, and the others for the unknown. By 15 she was officially a "disturbed child". Getting rid of her food by day and cutting by night. the daily routine consisted of three full meals in and three not so full meals out. At night the razor blade became her lover. Unable to sleep without a kiss to calm her nerves. At 15 came the powder and alcohol. At 18 she lost her temple again to a fucking ass hole... I remember where I was sitting when I was writing this. I remember the feelings in my mind. I didn't write the full thing because I just wanted to prove a point. I remember sitting there on that bed that night thinking of how my life didn't matter. I didn't feel I was going anywhere, I was trying to hide my addictions of many forms, and I felt no one loved me. I thought I would never become anything and definitely KNEW I would never have the ability to love myself. It was not long after that that I woke myself up again realizing I was worth more. No addictions and especially no abusive human being should have the right to make one feel so low they consider ending their life. Today, as I look at those writings, I am so grateful I made it out. I get a chance to love myself at such an extreme level today that I never thought possible. I get a chance to love others and show them how much they matter. I also get a chance of raising two awesome children and helping them through their struggles. So grateful today. I do not think I can ever say that enough. I love me. I love all of me. Scars on my arms. Extra weight on my hips. Blue eyed. Dark haired. Average height. Tabby

One proud single mother and aunty...brag moment.

As many know July of 2011 was a big step in my life. It was one of the biggest leaps of faith I have ever taken in truly trusting Christ knew what he was doing. I have a friend who had been having "issues" with her teenage son. She was a mother who struggled with addiction of many forms, a mental illness, as well as had an abusive man in her life. Her teenager was acting out in many ways and that summer was starting to get physical with his mother. He had been in juvenile detention as well as hospitals where everyone was trying to figure out what his issue was. I had been in his life since he was 6 and at this time he was 12 and I as well was at my wits end with knowing what advice to give to his mother on how to handle his struggles. In July I got a call one evening from him asking me to pick him up. I asked why and he simply just said he needed to get away and would talk about it when I saw him. I picked him up and he began to pour out his pain on our drive to my house. He was in tears telling me of the abuse he suffered from his "step dad" and how sick his mother was getting again with her addiction. He didn't ever want to go back and was simply depressed. I decided to take a long drive with him so he could keep talking as this is/was a kid who NEVER talked about anything but hate. I told him he could spend the night and began praying to God for an answer. I was a single mother and could barely take care of my daughter and myself at this time. I was struggling with bills, my sanity, and just simply living with one kid how in the world could I EVER do this with two especially a troubled teenager. I prayed for two days for an answer. I was new in my following of Christ and didn't quite know if I got an answer or not but I did know that I felt at ease when I told this child that I would take him into my house but that he had to follow my rules and work with me. It was like, I just KNEW that we would be OK. His mother agreed that it was a good idea and was open to the idea of me taking care of him but could not offer much support as she was still struggling herself. At first times were extremely rough. For MONTHS times were extremely rough. This child only used his words to speak of hate, anger, and his obsessions. He had outbursts which he seemed like he could not control and was so emotional about simple things. I kept stern and strict. After months of trial and error with punishments, rewards, and anything else I could think of this child today is one of the most well behaved 13 year old I have ever met. As I sit here and write this blog I tear up thinking about how hard it was but how worth it the last year has been. I am so proud of him that I can not even contain myself. I remember the times when I was almost embarrassed to take him places because of his anger and pure hate towards life, people, things, places, anything. I remember the car rides where in a 10minute period he would have said 45 hateful things at random. (yes we counted a few times) Or the fights over doing his chores, taking a shower, brushing his teeth. The long nights spent where he would not sleep because he was either staying up obsessing over his favorite things or having paranoid thoughts about his ex step dad coming to our house. He is a child with Aspergers, ptsd, and who has suffered abuse. He has spent the last year working so hard to turn himself around with the guidance of an adopted aunty. He does his chores without being asked. He gets him self up for school. He washes his own clothes on a regular basis. He gets decent grades. He offers to clean when I am sick even when I don't ask. He helps babysit my 3 year old for a few hours here and there and treats her as I do. He respects other peoples property. He is a GOOD kid. How blessed am I to be able to see this and be apart of this? How blessed am I to be able to say I had a part in his change for the good. Yes, we are still working on things and will always be as some of the little troubles he has he can not help. He is different but in such a beautiful way. In the end I know that if anything I get to say I made a difference in a child's life. That someone didn't give up one him and that someone was me. I also get to know in my heart that I truly am meant to work with troubled youth and if God made this situation possible he will make that possible as well. Some think that being a single mother is such an extreme burden and talk about how sorry they feel for us. Struggles with money, time, and sanity will always be a struggle for single mothers, but for me, I get the blessing of knowing Christ is in my corner and so far the two children which I have been taking care of could not be better. Yup, I am a single mother who struggles here and there, but finances do not make up our family the love in our home and hearts does. Thank you for letting me brag and for those of you local any praise to this kid is more than welcome if you see him although he can not stand it I know deep down inside he needs it. :)