Found my old jounal today.

I was reading old journals today and started thinking about my past and how far I have come not just in life but in my heart. I found this one writing in particular that really stood out... ...She started when she was 14. A beautiful young child can seem so innocent but have felt so much pain. It began with a few small scratches. One for every guy, one for every cry, and the others for the unknown. By 15 she was officially a "disturbed child". Getting rid of her food by day and cutting by night. the daily routine consisted of three full meals in and three not so full meals out. At night the razor blade became her lover. Unable to sleep without a kiss to calm her nerves. At 15 came the powder and alcohol. At 18 she lost her temple again to a fucking ass hole... I remember where I was sitting when I was writing this. I remember the feelings in my mind. I didn't write the full thing because I just wanted to prove a point. I remember sitting there on that bed that night thinking of how my life didn't matter. I didn't feel I was going anywhere, I was trying to hide my addictions of many forms, and I felt no one loved me. I thought I would never become anything and definitely KNEW I would never have the ability to love myself. It was not long after that that I woke myself up again realizing I was worth more. No addictions and especially no abusive human being should have the right to make one feel so low they consider ending their life. Today, as I look at those writings, I am so grateful I made it out. I get a chance to love myself at such an extreme level today that I never thought possible. I get a chance to love others and show them how much they matter. I also get a chance of raising two awesome children and helping them through their struggles. So grateful today. I do not think I can ever say that enough. I love me. I love all of me. Scars on my arms. Extra weight on my hips. Blue eyed. Dark haired. Average height. Tabby

One proud single mother and aunty...brag moment.

As many know July of 2011 was a big step in my life. It was one of the biggest leaps of faith I have ever taken in truly trusting Christ knew what he was doing. I have a friend who had been having "issues" with her teenage son. She was a mother who struggled with addiction of many forms, a mental illness, as well as had an abusive man in her life. Her teenager was acting out in many ways and that summer was starting to get physical with his mother. He had been in juvenile detention as well as hospitals where everyone was trying to figure out what his issue was. I had been in his life since he was 6 and at this time he was 12 and I as well was at my wits end with knowing what advice to give to his mother on how to handle his struggles. In July I got a call one evening from him asking me to pick him up. I asked why and he simply just said he needed to get away and would talk about it when I saw him. I picked him up and he began to pour out his pain on our drive to my house. He was in tears telling me of the abuse he suffered from his "step dad" and how sick his mother was getting again with her addiction. He didn't ever want to go back and was simply depressed. I decided to take a long drive with him so he could keep talking as this is/was a kid who NEVER talked about anything but hate. I told him he could spend the night and began praying to God for an answer. I was a single mother and could barely take care of my daughter and myself at this time. I was struggling with bills, my sanity, and just simply living with one kid how in the world could I EVER do this with two especially a troubled teenager. I prayed for two days for an answer. I was new in my following of Christ and didn't quite know if I got an answer or not but I did know that I felt at ease when I told this child that I would take him into my house but that he had to follow my rules and work with me. It was like, I just KNEW that we would be OK. His mother agreed that it was a good idea and was open to the idea of me taking care of him but could not offer much support as she was still struggling herself. At first times were extremely rough. For MONTHS times were extremely rough. This child only used his words to speak of hate, anger, and his obsessions. He had outbursts which he seemed like he could not control and was so emotional about simple things. I kept stern and strict. After months of trial and error with punishments, rewards, and anything else I could think of this child today is one of the most well behaved 13 year old I have ever met. As I sit here and write this blog I tear up thinking about how hard it was but how worth it the last year has been. I am so proud of him that I can not even contain myself. I remember the times when I was almost embarrassed to take him places because of his anger and pure hate towards life, people, things, places, anything. I remember the car rides where in a 10minute period he would have said 45 hateful things at random. (yes we counted a few times) Or the fights over doing his chores, taking a shower, brushing his teeth. The long nights spent where he would not sleep because he was either staying up obsessing over his favorite things or having paranoid thoughts about his ex step dad coming to our house. He is a child with Aspergers, ptsd, and who has suffered abuse. He has spent the last year working so hard to turn himself around with the guidance of an adopted aunty. He does his chores without being asked. He gets him self up for school. He washes his own clothes on a regular basis. He gets decent grades. He offers to clean when I am sick even when I don't ask. He helps babysit my 3 year old for a few hours here and there and treats her as I do. He respects other peoples property. He is a GOOD kid. How blessed am I to be able to see this and be apart of this? How blessed am I to be able to say I had a part in his change for the good. Yes, we are still working on things and will always be as some of the little troubles he has he can not help. He is different but in such a beautiful way. In the end I know that if anything I get to say I made a difference in a child's life. That someone didn't give up one him and that someone was me. I also get to know in my heart that I truly am meant to work with troubled youth and if God made this situation possible he will make that possible as well. Some think that being a single mother is such an extreme burden and talk about how sorry they feel for us. Struggles with money, time, and sanity will always be a struggle for single mothers, but for me, I get the blessing of knowing Christ is in my corner and so far the two children which I have been taking care of could not be better. Yup, I am a single mother who struggles here and there, but finances do not make up our family the love in our home and hearts does. Thank you for letting me brag and for those of you local any praise to this kid is more than welcome if you see him although he can not stand it I know deep down inside he needs it. :)

Self worth rant with love from me.

I had a great day today. I think the greatness really was triggered by watching a recorded service from my church. It brought new light to my new department move at work. Honoring people, even if you do not like them is the right thing to do. I woke up today and began texting a friend who is going through some struggles. It reminded me once again of where my self worth was just a few short years ago and how it spiraled many other things in my life. I can not remember the last time I truly had self worth. I am talking about full fledged loving ones own self in such a way that you can be proud. We all know that there are things we each do not like about our selves...maybe the curly hair, big toes, curvy hips...or whatever else you might kind of complain about quietly to yourself. Those things are not the main parts of the hate I am speaking of when talking about self worth, love, hate, etc. I remember when I was skinny. I walked around so shy and so introverted because I did not like myself. I remember thinking about how much I would love myself if I was skinny and I was finally there feeling the same hate for myself as before. What went wrong? I remember thinking to myself...why am I so useless, ugly, boring, stupid, a failure, etc. I ended up in a relationship feeling those feelings and since I was so busy focusing on the relationship and how much I needed that person I began to make excuses for the things that should have been a red flag in day one. Months turned into years and still, excuses were being made. I gained all my weight back by this time and continued to make excuses for the other persons wrong doings. I make excuses for my wrong doings. How could I have gotten here? Was it not yesterday that I was sitting on my bed at 18 years old in a lock down "group home" giving myself the lecture of how excuses had to stop? Was it not yesterday that I got up, dusted myself off, and fought my way up the ladder to social acceptability..? Yet here I was laying in a bed in Joplin, Missouri thinking about all the excuses once again that I was making to continue to live in a life style that was...well, below me. I deserved better and so did he so did Tay. I got up dusted myself off and fought my broken mind and heart for the next year. I fought to teach myself how to see me again in the mirror. I started leaning on something greater then myself a again something greater than another human. Loving yourself is not an easy task. It is a daily count and check list of how worth it you are and why. As that year progressed I began to see my excuses and how they were exactly that. I began to remember how worth it I was and how no matter what anyone else said I KNEW the right and wrong of that 6 year situation. With the help of some amazing friends I gained me back. So here I am, the Tabby that I was meant to be. Yup, struggling is always there but not excuses for dealing with an insanity packed situation which WAS in my control. So, we learn that we are worth it. We can love our selves. Sometimes they truly do NOT love us and we do not love them but an idea of who that person either was or could have been. The feeling of self love and worth is something I would never trade in a lifetime. So, take an honest look at you and your situation. Sometimes it is best to run and do not worry about weather or not you can do it because you are not alone. You get a blessing of leaning on strong people you trust and Christ and making it out the other side standing up right once again with a smile. You are worth it. We all are.

Cutting, lies, and pride....

The first time I cut myself I was 14 years old. I do not even remember the particular reason for it but I remember the actual moment I did it. I know that I had a "friend" who had mental issues and who would talk to me about it. I asked her one day how she cut at school and she told me that in the bathroom there were sharp metal pieces on the towel racks. You know, the old school use the metal handle to push the paper towels out and then rip them off? I went to the bathroom and was a little nervous to do it too hard so I tested it and got a few small scratches on my arm. I did it a few more times and then went back to the science class I was in. I sat down and Jessie asked me right away if I had done it, I shook my head yes and showed her my semi bloodied cuts going across my arm. This continued a few weeks before I began using other objects at home. At first it was almost to just see what it felt like/fit in with Jess almost like I did not want her to feel alone as odd as that sounds. Of course the cutting got worse and worse over the years. I began cutting with razor blades when I was 15 and by 16 almost every single night before bed would have to cut myself. Yes, I was in and out of homes and etc at this time but I still managed. By 17 years old I had slowed down a lot on cutting. I did it at least every other week but it did not seem like an "addiction" it was more of a coping skill. No matter how many different ideas Therapists had about different coping skills NOTHING worked as great as this. I continued to cut on and off until a little under 2 years ago. Since I have given my life to Christ it has not even crossed my mind. I see other girls with scars or even fresh wounds at times and feel as tho my heart cries for them. I would think about how grateful I was that this never crossed my mind anymore. The last 6 months or so have been a crazy ride. I have been preparing for Gastric bypass, had an ovary removed, moved into a house with NO roommates, and started doing even more soul searching. Finances were supposed to be easier but have only become a lot harder. I have been dishonest about how bad it truly has been to the people who have offered to help because failing at providing for my self and these children makes me feel like the biggest failure. I stay positive and keep a smile on my face knowing that Christ has always had my back. I try not to complain in details about the situation and recently have decided it is time to be honest. I am not here to tell you about my finances but to tell you to not push important stuff down so far that eventually it overflows just at the wrong moment. Sometimes it is time to swallow your pride and be honest. I never felt I was a dishonest person but today I admit that I am. In lying about my finances I figured that it was saving others from the pain of maybe not being able to help as well as myself from feeling like a failure. In this roller coaster of emotions the thought crossed my mind once again to cut. I did not think about doing it for more than those few seconds it took to run through my mind but I did think for hours about how I could not believe myself. I could not believe that after so long with never a thought suddenly I spent a few seconds pondering the idea. So, here I am. Finally getting around to writing this blog. From day one of this blog I promised to not hide anything. I know others struggle with their own addictions of sort and I want others to know that at times you have to suck it up and be real. No, I did not cut. No, I do not want to. No, I am not depressed. Yes, I am changing my ways of lying about finances in order to make others feel better and even myself. My pride is not worth it anymore. Thanks for reading friends. P.S. Feel free to share this blog to anyone you know who struggle with self mutilation or even addiction. I am more than happy to lend an ear, open heart, and share in more detail if it is needed.

We do not run off statistics.

I want to tell a story about a good friend of mine who came into my life at an amazing time. The day Jeremy (Taylor's dad) moved out a friend, whom I had hardly known at that moment, moved in. He needed a place and I was not ready to live alone. As I think back to it now it could not have worked out better. At first Jeremy started with visiting Taylor constantly which lasted about a month and after that he acted like it was a chore to even come say hi to her. I remember him coming into the apartment complex to see his friends and avoiding our window so Taylor wouldn't see him. Within a few months he moved to Indiana to be with his new woman and got married shortly after that. He left May 2010 and since then has seen Taylor less then 10 times. Taylor last say her dad Jan 2011 and last spoke with him Oct 23. Meanwhile a friend of mine came into our home and began helping me with Taylor. This friend had not been able to see his own daughter very much and missed her terribly. The first year to year and a half I truly think that this friend helped Taylor in a way that I would have never in my life been able to fill. She responded with helping his heart heal a little as well. They became like best friends....the best adopted uncle a kiddo could ever ask for. It is funny how God puts people in your life at just the right time. I at times wonder if this friendship she has with my friend has been one of the factors of her being so positive about not having a dad around. Taylor never gets sad or worried about Jeremy not being in her life and even comes to her own conclusions about it without me saying anything. She refers to him being gone as, "My daddy ran away". She says constantly that she has a daddy but he ran away and is busy. I never have put anything in her head about him as I believe she should come up with her own ideas about who Jeremy is. I do however answer her questions in an honest manner and try not to get annoyed when she crys for her dad which used to only happen when she was in trouble....thank goodness we made it past that stage. Taylor has been handed a pretty awesome card in her life to have such amazing people surround her and shower her with love. I can not wait to see how she changes the world when she is grown as she has already touched many peoples hearts. As for Jeremy, I do hope that he realizes that he still has a daughter in the world whom is his blood and if he doesn't ever come around again I know that Taylor will grow to be awesome anyway. I have made a promise to myself that I will NEVER fall into the statistics trap about children being raised by single parents. My daughter is going to be just as awesome as any child who has both parents and knowing how strong she already is I know she will not feed into that either. Life is completely manageable as a single parent. It is not only manageable but in my case is such a happier situation than what would have ever been possible before. Don't ever think you can not do it. Do not ever think that you will fail because of finances or even just the feeling of being lonely. There is never a reason to stay in a situation which is unsafe or dysfunctional because you are scared of what it will do to your children. We get to teach our children how amazing they are and how their situation is a blessing not a curse or a cause for a pity party. :)

Single....parent....pity

At times I wonder if some of the events we get invited too are simply because of pity. I try to remind myself that I am a pretty decent human and people like my company but at times that isn't enough.

I moved to Missouri at a time when I acted on impulses without a second thought and when I had no true responsibilities. I moved here in love with a man whom probably wasn't as great as my young heart wanted to believe.

Fast forward a few years....

I have Taylor, become a single mom and then take in a teenager as well. I know that in Missouri I have an amazing support system with amazing friends but in reality as a single mom with no "other half" it's tough. My daughter doesn't get to see grandparents at holidays or on weekends and I get to feel like a pity invite at most functions. Life is meant for single people with no kids or families with both parents. Big adventures can be almost impossible at times.

I remember going to visit grandparents during the holidays. I remember my Grandma Jans Ham at Christmas and summer playing skipbo with Grandma Stewart. I can't help feel heart broken that my daughter will be four and I can count on one hand the amount of visits she has had with family.

I keep praying that He shows me why I'm supposed to stay here or a way for me to be closer to home.

Until then I'll remember that God has a reason for this venture and Im sure it's way bigger then I could ever dream of.

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2 years Good GOLLY MISS MOLLY!

I was thinking today of life...as usual. I seem to do a lot of thinking these days. I was thinking about this week and what it marks for me. Last year I did not notice it as the tornado it and I was too busy with other things. Today, after picking Taylor up from her school and hearing about how "emotional" she has been I realized it has been two years this week since her father left. Between my parents visit, the one year mark of the tornado, and the two years that her father has been gone I could only imagine what her little heart is going through. I know she doesn't hurt like we, as adults, do but I also know that it still bothers her. Taylor is one of the happiest little blessings I was given. She loves everyone and can make friends with strangers. I ask her sometimes about her "daddy" and her responses amaze me. I remember when she told me she wasn't sad about him not seeing her because she didn't HAVE to be. Seems like such a simple thought but as adults we can never seem to remember the choice we have with our emotions. I sometimes see pictures of Jeremy with his new family and can not even imagine how he sleeps at night knowing his first born was out there living her life without him. She used to be such a daddies girl and he was so attached to her it amazes me that a human can simply write off their child. I have to remember that although we are all humans we are not all the same when it comes to our hearts. I also have to remember that sometimes our brains over ride what our heart tells us anyway. I remember that first year of single parenthood. I was in a relationship with Jeremy so long I never truly got to experience life as a single woman. I spent my teenage years in institutions and then at 19 met him and ran away from Cali to be with him here, in Missouri. It seemed that first year that I was really being a young woman for the first time. I had spent so much time as a "family" never going out to clubs or bars....or whatever it is that 20year olds do. Even tho I was extremely emotionally unstable at first but decided I would try to have "fun" anyway. I had been talking to a friend for a little while before Jeremy left and this friend seemed to divert my heart some from the mechanical break down it was having. He reminded me how beautiful I was and how much of a person I was. Now, I know what you are thinking....shouldn't you figure those thing out alone? How could some other GUY give you permission to think and feel those things again... and my response to you is, you must never have been a broken young woman like I was. This friend spent time with me talking about everything about both my life and his. The first year seemed to fly by. Although this guy had faded out a bit I still spoke with him almost daily. During this time I was still feeling like the weight on my heart was almost unbearable. I hardly wanted to take Tay anywhere and besides work and the Sundays at church, I rarely saw friends unless they stopped by. I didn't know what to do for holidays or birthday...I didn't feel right taking her to even the park because I just remembered everything being family oriented I guess you could say I spent a lot of time "reflecting" or being "depressed" however you want to word it. The tornado hit and right around that time so did my healing heart. It was almost like it started breaking through the broken one. I picture it like hot lava breaking apart the dry lava as it flows under ground. The last year was spent dating, slowly, and getting to know me as a 27 year old single mother of now 2. I started making my own traditions and going on our own adventures. I remember when I got out of the lock down institution at 18....I remember thinking that nothing could be worse than my past and I remember the high hopes I had for my future. I was determined to make it. To prove society and those doctors wrong. I was going to be something...become something! I guess I can finally say that I am at that place. I, Tabatha Michelle Carter, am proud of ME. I am a big beautiful, smart, kind, strong, caring, single mother who enjoys fighting my way up this ladder. I get a rush out of knowing my child and foster son are on my heart and Christ is helping push me along. I am so glad I do not use my past as an excuse not to carry on or move up in life. I am so blessed in so many ways at times it seems unreal. Ok...it seems unreal DAILY! I never imagined in a million years that I would have so many good things happen to me. I was always that person who, no matter how hard I worked, never seemed to move forward. Although the last two years have been crazy I am thankful daily for what has happened to me. I have learned to cope well, move on, love regardless, and pay it forward. I have had my heart smashed and made it to the other side. I must say that in this situation the grass is honestly greener on the other side!