Stometimes even the strong fall down.

I was not always known as a strong person. There was a time when I was known for being the opposite. I was known for being weak, having issues, being weird, causing trouble, failing school, and simply being hard to deal with. It took me a very long time to change peoples views of me. I first learned to hide a lot more so that people could not use those things against me and then eventually I began honestly fixing some of those issues. I have many friends tell me how easy I am to talk too and how great of a person I am yet at times I see the old Tabatha coming right back out. It seems like it was just yesterday that I was living in a lock down group home being told every move to make during my days. Seemed like it was just yesterday I was celebrating milestones like 60days without cutting myself or one straight week of good eating behaviors. Getting recognized for those little things we did every single day. Today, recognition still means just as much but comes for different reasons. Friends recognize how kind you are, parents recognize how much progress you have made, boyfriends recognize how much you love them, and you recognize how much you have changed. Then there are those other times which you recognize old behaviors coming back. Reality hits and you realize some triggers never go away and some coping skills even bad are still just as easy to run too as they were when you were 14. As I have said in previous blogs I struggled with self mutilation. Although I do not cut as much I used to some things still lead me in that direction and before I know it I am sitting in my bathroom getting things "ready". Most of the time, about 90% of it I am able to talk myself out of it with a good cry and prayer. I go on with my day and continue to try and work through whatever it was that lead me in there to begin with. Other times I am not so lucky. I feel once again like a teenager trying to hide my cuts from my parents but we all know that even if the cuts are hidden in places no one will see the wounds show upon your face for the world to question. I try and figure out what causes me to do this and I do not believe there is a very short way to say/write it. I do know that some of the things I struggle with are fixable with time, prayer, and growth. Some things done in the past never fully go away. Some abuse will haunt women for the rest of their life and all it takes sometimes is a certain noise, smell, or touch, a man to use a certain word a certain way, and sometimes even just the way a certain move or commercial on tv looks. I do try to use the past abuse as motivation as much as possible yet sometimes these flash backs mixed with every day stressers are a struggle. My body is one filled with scars of the past abuse from not only myself but also others. This is me, a 28 year old single mother of 2 letting the world know that even I struggle. Even I am not perfect in any way and even I fall at times but in the end even I am able to dust myself off and grow with the help of God and the people he sends into my life to stand by my side.