2 years Good GOLLY MISS MOLLY!

I was thinking today of life...as usual. I seem to do a lot of thinking these days. I was thinking about this week and what it marks for me. Last year I did not notice it as the tornado it and I was too busy with other things. Today, after picking Taylor up from her school and hearing about how "emotional" she has been I realized it has been two years this week since her father left. Between my parents visit, the one year mark of the tornado, and the two years that her father has been gone I could only imagine what her little heart is going through. I know she doesn't hurt like we, as adults, do but I also know that it still bothers her. Taylor is one of the happiest little blessings I was given. She loves everyone and can make friends with strangers. I ask her sometimes about her "daddy" and her responses amaze me. I remember when she told me she wasn't sad about him not seeing her because she didn't HAVE to be. Seems like such a simple thought but as adults we can never seem to remember the choice we have with our emotions. I sometimes see pictures of Jeremy with his new family and can not even imagine how he sleeps at night knowing his first born was out there living her life without him. She used to be such a daddies girl and he was so attached to her it amazes me that a human can simply write off their child. I have to remember that although we are all humans we are not all the same when it comes to our hearts. I also have to remember that sometimes our brains over ride what our heart tells us anyway. I remember that first year of single parenthood. I was in a relationship with Jeremy so long I never truly got to experience life as a single woman. I spent my teenage years in institutions and then at 19 met him and ran away from Cali to be with him here, in Missouri. It seemed that first year that I was really being a young woman for the first time. I had spent so much time as a "family" never going out to clubs or bars....or whatever it is that 20year olds do. Even tho I was extremely emotionally unstable at first but decided I would try to have "fun" anyway. I had been talking to a friend for a little while before Jeremy left and this friend seemed to divert my heart some from the mechanical break down it was having. He reminded me how beautiful I was and how much of a person I was. Now, I know what you are thinking....shouldn't you figure those thing out alone? How could some other GUY give you permission to think and feel those things again... and my response to you is, you must never have been a broken young woman like I was. This friend spent time with me talking about everything about both my life and his. The first year seemed to fly by. Although this guy had faded out a bit I still spoke with him almost daily. During this time I was still feeling like the weight on my heart was almost unbearable. I hardly wanted to take Tay anywhere and besides work and the Sundays at church, I rarely saw friends unless they stopped by. I didn't know what to do for holidays or birthday...I didn't feel right taking her to even the park because I just remembered everything being family oriented I guess you could say I spent a lot of time "reflecting" or being "depressed" however you want to word it. The tornado hit and right around that time so did my healing heart. It was almost like it started breaking through the broken one. I picture it like hot lava breaking apart the dry lava as it flows under ground. The last year was spent dating, slowly, and getting to know me as a 27 year old single mother of now 2. I started making my own traditions and going on our own adventures. I remember when I got out of the lock down institution at 18....I remember thinking that nothing could be worse than my past and I remember the high hopes I had for my future. I was determined to make it. To prove society and those doctors wrong. I was going to be something...become something! I guess I can finally say that I am at that place. I, Tabatha Michelle Carter, am proud of ME. I am a big beautiful, smart, kind, strong, caring, single mother who enjoys fighting my way up this ladder. I get a rush out of knowing my child and foster son are on my heart and Christ is helping push me along. I am so glad I do not use my past as an excuse not to carry on or move up in life. I am so blessed in so many ways at times it seems unreal. Ok...it seems unreal DAILY! I never imagined in a million years that I would have so many good things happen to me. I was always that person who, no matter how hard I worked, never seemed to move forward. Although the last two years have been crazy I am thankful daily for what has happened to me. I have learned to cope well, move on, love regardless, and pay it forward. I have had my heart smashed and made it to the other side. I must say that in this situation the grass is honestly greener on the other side!

Gratitude.

My gratitude list for the day was pretty long. On those tough days where things seem to be falling apart I try to stop and make myself a gratitude list. I sometimes have to even write silly things on there just to remind myself that I have plenty to be grateful for. Today it was much easier...as today marked the one year mark for the devastating tornado that struck Joplin. At first I was thanking God for my loved ones, stuff, and sanity...then I was thanking him for showing me his power both in my life and in the lives around me. As the day went on tho work caught up to me and I began to lose sight of the things I started my day being grateful for. I started thinking about the list of chores at home, how I missed my dad and step mom who had just left to go back home, my lack of money for things such as putting the kids in extra activities, and just how tired I was. I started listening to those who were near me talk of their woes and started wondering how I was going to fix mine. I found out recently about a change that I felt would affect my little family of three for the bad. I started wondering how I was going to afford one thing or another and how I was going to be able to continue to be the amazing person I knew I could be in all the areas I was needed. I came home stressed out and angry and began to be short tempered with the children. My face started getting hot and then I got sick....sick to my stomach. After checking my temp and realizing that a fever what what I had I laid down. I was FORCED to not do anything I had planned and simply take a break. I began to think even more while I was laying down. I started remembering how well I do when I take control instead of let Christ lead me. I think it is funny how those moments can change your thought process so quickly. One can go from looking at situation A B and C in complete darkness to looking at A B and C as a stepping stone to the future for the good. I am sure it sounds so cheesy to some of you and I would have said the same thing a few years ago. It is moments like these that I get one of those reality checks. You know...like the ones where your parents would slap your mouth for just "sounding like you had attitude" yet you had no idea what they were talking about. It is one of those completely unexpected feelings/thoughts. I began to think about where I was 6 months ago...how excited I was for this change to come into my life. How hard I worked to get back at a job I loved and a situation which I felt content. I started remembering all the amazing people in my life who tell me constantly to just ask if I need anything and how stubborn I am when I choose not to do so. I was in the middle of praying for an answer when all it took was an attitude adjustment to see it was already there. No, things are not how they "NEED" to be in MY eyes...but they are in His eyes and as far as I am concerned that is good enough. I shall move onto bigger and better worries...like how to get these fever down and WILL this sickness that just hit me away....