Self worth rant with love from me.

I had a great day today. I think the greatness really was triggered by watching a recorded service from my church. It brought new light to my new department move at work. Honoring people, even if you do not like them is the right thing to do. I woke up today and began texting a friend who is going through some struggles. It reminded me once again of where my self worth was just a few short years ago and how it spiraled many other things in my life. I can not remember the last time I truly had self worth. I am talking about full fledged loving ones own self in such a way that you can be proud. We all know that there are things we each do not like about our selves...maybe the curly hair, big toes, curvy hips...or whatever else you might kind of complain about quietly to yourself. Those things are not the main parts of the hate I am speaking of when talking about self worth, love, hate, etc. I remember when I was skinny. I walked around so shy and so introverted because I did not like myself. I remember thinking about how much I would love myself if I was skinny and I was finally there feeling the same hate for myself as before. What went wrong? I remember thinking to myself...why am I so useless, ugly, boring, stupid, a failure, etc. I ended up in a relationship feeling those feelings and since I was so busy focusing on the relationship and how much I needed that person I began to make excuses for the things that should have been a red flag in day one. Months turned into years and still, excuses were being made. I gained all my weight back by this time and continued to make excuses for the other persons wrong doings. I make excuses for my wrong doings. How could I have gotten here? Was it not yesterday that I was sitting on my bed at 18 years old in a lock down "group home" giving myself the lecture of how excuses had to stop? Was it not yesterday that I got up, dusted myself off, and fought my way up the ladder to social acceptability..? Yet here I was laying in a bed in Joplin, Missouri thinking about all the excuses once again that I was making to continue to live in a life style that was...well, below me. I deserved better and so did he so did Tay. I got up dusted myself off and fought my broken mind and heart for the next year. I fought to teach myself how to see me again in the mirror. I started leaning on something greater then myself a again something greater than another human. Loving yourself is not an easy task. It is a daily count and check list of how worth it you are and why. As that year progressed I began to see my excuses and how they were exactly that. I began to remember how worth it I was and how no matter what anyone else said I KNEW the right and wrong of that 6 year situation. With the help of some amazing friends I gained me back. So here I am, the Tabby that I was meant to be. Yup, struggling is always there but not excuses for dealing with an insanity packed situation which WAS in my control. So, we learn that we are worth it. We can love our selves. Sometimes they truly do NOT love us and we do not love them but an idea of who that person either was or could have been. The feeling of self love and worth is something I would never trade in a lifetime. So, take an honest look at you and your situation. Sometimes it is best to run and do not worry about weather or not you can do it because you are not alone. You get a blessing of leaning on strong people you trust and Christ and making it out the other side standing up right once again with a smile. You are worth it. We all are.