You better knock on someone elses door...

Well, the last few weeks of emotions have been way more then enough. I have been looking for a house, dealing with DFS regarding Justin, taking on more responsibilities in one area and letting go of some in others. I've been financially strapped yet have been blessed with all our NEEDS met. I've shred for help when needed....yup ME asking for help! I have also walked away from one of my "cups of red soup".
I realized during all this that my mental illness it still there and too much change is the number one cause of bringing it all out again.
I have learned over the years that I can be a functioning member of society no matter what I was told in those institutions but that I will battle my mental illness forever.
I used to be ashamed to admit how sick I really was at one point and how hard it is to stay away from those "habbits" but nowv I look at it all like just another card I was dealt. I know there are others who struggle with severe mental illnesses and who feel the same as I do. I am so glad that today I see the good in it more then the bad. Those old habits will always affect me just in different ways. Today, the scars on my arms and legs remind me of where I once was and allow me to truly understand the pain others go through when they battle these "issues".
Over stressind and obsessing has been my downfall the last few weeks and although it's not gone yet at least I am able to see what is causing it and that there is an end to it....eventually.
:) Thanks for reading.

Running with no destination...

I was told today by someone that they were amazed at how great I was doing with all that was going on in my life. That they were impressed that I could be so positive about it all.
Isn't it funny how someone else can tell you something like that and you suddenly you have super strength for a few hours?
Yet all it takes to break you back down on a regular day is one ounce of doubt from a very close friend.
I remember how I used to say that I didn't care what anyone thought yet I was constantly trying to dress "cool". As we grow up we think that mentallity has gone away but it only gets worse. You have such a different relationship with your friends that their oppinion MUST matter...they know you so well, right?
Although I love my friends dearly I have come to learn that as my faith grew their oppinions didn't matter on such a high level. I get to welcome their encouraging words and llisten to their tough love but in the end Iof the day I get to hand it all over to my God and allow the rest to work it's self out.

2 years and here we are.....

It's funny how I don't seem to remember an exact conversation that lead to the end of the relationship. I just remember the pain that lead up to the break up and the moment I found myself laying on the bathroom floor with a knife to my wrist begging the "God" I had no belief in for an answer... for help...for a reason.
Now I know people talk about all these amazing, sweet, super special moments when they felt they met Christ but mine was nothing like that.... Here I was laying there, poofy eyes, snot running down my face, cuts on my arm, begging for an answer. At the time I didn't believe in God so it almost felt as if I was talking to the air....
I can't even remember most of the things that came out of my mouth... I just remember the wave of emotions that swept through my body. Suddenly my brain started proccessing the same scenarios in a different light. I started hearing my surroundings again...Tay in the living room playing with her adopted uncles and aunties. Cloie's dog tags jingling as she walked around. To you these may seem like small things but to me...these were life savers and life changers. I remember my rule which I made to help control those "manic episodes" I used to have, I would give myself 6 months to try this "God" thing people talked about. I had been to Ignite a few times since Tay was born but never truly got it. I got myself up off that floor and carried on. Began going to Church weekly and began learning how to love me again. Started learning how I did wrong by hearing the word of God. I remember when I raised my hand to give my life to Christ. I remember how scared I was and how weird it felt that I, Tabatha Carter, the girl who would yell at you for praying for me, the girl who laughed at "church people", was now giving her life to Christ. Allowing Him to guide me and willing to try another way....a way other then my own.
I got baptised not long after that and started processing how to follow Christ in all the ways I possibly could. I learned that I could be me and be a Christian. I learned what a Church family was. I learned how amazing it was to have Christ in your corner and how He seemed to make the impossible possible again.
I decided to write this blog for many reasons but one was because Easter is quickly approaching and this marks a year since my Baptism at Ignite.
I can't believe the blessings that have come my way in last year and a half. I have amazing friends, an amazing little girl who is on fire for God as well, and the belief that I matter again.
After six years in a disfunctional relationship I forgot who I was, where I wanted to go in life, and most importantly that I mattered. I got to learn to love me again which kept me out of another disfunctional relationship. I learned that I was beautiful, smart, sexy, kind, a great mother, and most of all worth it. Almost 2 years after the split I finally felt ready to start trying to give people chances again.
I talk a lot about these crazy blessings I have had come my way in the last year but am not always specific.
When you get approved for certain deperatly needed assistance after being denied for so long...that's a blessing.
When you somehow manage to pay your bills even tho your income on paper shows you are a couple hundred short...that is a blessing.
When you have true friends who are always there to help when in need and be there to celebrate the good....that is a blessing.
When you wake up every day and go to sleep every night in a warm cozy bed....that is a blessing.
When, after 2 years, you find someone special who not only loves you but also asks about your kiddo just as much....that is a blessing.
When you get to see your friends give their life to Christ and you get to witness the awesome change in their life...that is a blessing.
When you go through extremly tough times without using self distructive behavior to cope...that is a blessing.
I am so glad I got that little post card in the mail with fire on it inviting me to Ignite church that's Sunday.
I am so glad that the messages spoke to me.
I'm truly glad that that disfunctional relationship came to a halt. I get to be the mother I knew I could be with a real smile on my face. I get to love Christ. Love myself. Love my kiddos (Justin included). I get to Love others.....
Blessed? ....I think so.