Cutting, lies, and pride....

The first time I cut myself I was 14 years old. I do not even remember the particular reason for it but I remember the actual moment I did it. I know that I had a "friend" who had mental issues and who would talk to me about it. I asked her one day how she cut at school and she told me that in the bathroom there were sharp metal pieces on the towel racks. You know, the old school use the metal handle to push the paper towels out and then rip them off? I went to the bathroom and was a little nervous to do it too hard so I tested it and got a few small scratches on my arm. I did it a few more times and then went back to the science class I was in. I sat down and Jessie asked me right away if I had done it, I shook my head yes and showed her my semi bloodied cuts going across my arm. This continued a few weeks before I began using other objects at home. At first it was almost to just see what it felt like/fit in with Jess almost like I did not want her to feel alone as odd as that sounds. Of course the cutting got worse and worse over the years. I began cutting with razor blades when I was 15 and by 16 almost every single night before bed would have to cut myself. Yes, I was in and out of homes and etc at this time but I still managed. By 17 years old I had slowed down a lot on cutting. I did it at least every other week but it did not seem like an "addiction" it was more of a coping skill. No matter how many different ideas Therapists had about different coping skills NOTHING worked as great as this. I continued to cut on and off until a little under 2 years ago. Since I have given my life to Christ it has not even crossed my mind. I see other girls with scars or even fresh wounds at times and feel as tho my heart cries for them. I would think about how grateful I was that this never crossed my mind anymore. The last 6 months or so have been a crazy ride. I have been preparing for Gastric bypass, had an ovary removed, moved into a house with NO roommates, and started doing even more soul searching. Finances were supposed to be easier but have only become a lot harder. I have been dishonest about how bad it truly has been to the people who have offered to help because failing at providing for my self and these children makes me feel like the biggest failure. I stay positive and keep a smile on my face knowing that Christ has always had my back. I try not to complain in details about the situation and recently have decided it is time to be honest. I am not here to tell you about my finances but to tell you to not push important stuff down so far that eventually it overflows just at the wrong moment. Sometimes it is time to swallow your pride and be honest. I never felt I was a dishonest person but today I admit that I am. In lying about my finances I figured that it was saving others from the pain of maybe not being able to help as well as myself from feeling like a failure. In this roller coaster of emotions the thought crossed my mind once again to cut. I did not think about doing it for more than those few seconds it took to run through my mind but I did think for hours about how I could not believe myself. I could not believe that after so long with never a thought suddenly I spent a few seconds pondering the idea. So, here I am. Finally getting around to writing this blog. From day one of this blog I promised to not hide anything. I know others struggle with their own addictions of sort and I want others to know that at times you have to suck it up and be real. No, I did not cut. No, I do not want to. No, I am not depressed. Yes, I am changing my ways of lying about finances in order to make others feel better and even myself. My pride is not worth it anymore. Thanks for reading friends. P.S. Feel free to share this blog to anyone you know who struggle with self mutilation or even addiction. I am more than happy to lend an ear, open heart, and share in more detail if it is needed.

You better knock on someone elses door...

Well, the last few weeks of emotions have been way more then enough. I have been looking for a house, dealing with DFS regarding Justin, taking on more responsibilities in one area and letting go of some in others. I've been financially strapped yet have been blessed with all our NEEDS met. I've shred for help when needed....yup ME asking for help! I have also walked away from one of my "cups of red soup".
I realized during all this that my mental illness it still there and too much change is the number one cause of bringing it all out again.
I have learned over the years that I can be a functioning member of society no matter what I was told in those institutions but that I will battle my mental illness forever.
I used to be ashamed to admit how sick I really was at one point and how hard it is to stay away from those "habbits" but nowv I look at it all like just another card I was dealt. I know there are others who struggle with severe mental illnesses and who feel the same as I do. I am so glad that today I see the good in it more then the bad. Those old habits will always affect me just in different ways. Today, the scars on my arms and legs remind me of where I once was and allow me to truly understand the pain others go through when they battle these "issues".
Over stressind and obsessing has been my downfall the last few weeks and although it's not gone yet at least I am able to see what is causing it and that there is an end to it....eventually.
:) Thanks for reading.

2 years and here we are.....

It's funny how I don't seem to remember an exact conversation that lead to the end of the relationship. I just remember the pain that lead up to the break up and the moment I found myself laying on the bathroom floor with a knife to my wrist begging the "God" I had no belief in for an answer... for help...for a reason.
Now I know people talk about all these amazing, sweet, super special moments when they felt they met Christ but mine was nothing like that.... Here I was laying there, poofy eyes, snot running down my face, cuts on my arm, begging for an answer. At the time I didn't believe in God so it almost felt as if I was talking to the air....
I can't even remember most of the things that came out of my mouth... I just remember the wave of emotions that swept through my body. Suddenly my brain started proccessing the same scenarios in a different light. I started hearing my surroundings again...Tay in the living room playing with her adopted uncles and aunties. Cloie's dog tags jingling as she walked around. To you these may seem like small things but to me...these were life savers and life changers. I remember my rule which I made to help control those "manic episodes" I used to have, I would give myself 6 months to try this "God" thing people talked about. I had been to Ignite a few times since Tay was born but never truly got it. I got myself up off that floor and carried on. Began going to Church weekly and began learning how to love me again. Started learning how I did wrong by hearing the word of God. I remember when I raised my hand to give my life to Christ. I remember how scared I was and how weird it felt that I, Tabatha Carter, the girl who would yell at you for praying for me, the girl who laughed at "church people", was now giving her life to Christ. Allowing Him to guide me and willing to try another way....a way other then my own.
I got baptised not long after that and started processing how to follow Christ in all the ways I possibly could. I learned that I could be me and be a Christian. I learned what a Church family was. I learned how amazing it was to have Christ in your corner and how He seemed to make the impossible possible again.
I decided to write this blog for many reasons but one was because Easter is quickly approaching and this marks a year since my Baptism at Ignite.
I can't believe the blessings that have come my way in last year and a half. I have amazing friends, an amazing little girl who is on fire for God as well, and the belief that I matter again.
After six years in a disfunctional relationship I forgot who I was, where I wanted to go in life, and most importantly that I mattered. I got to learn to love me again which kept me out of another disfunctional relationship. I learned that I was beautiful, smart, sexy, kind, a great mother, and most of all worth it. Almost 2 years after the split I finally felt ready to start trying to give people chances again.
I talk a lot about these crazy blessings I have had come my way in the last year but am not always specific.
When you get approved for certain deperatly needed assistance after being denied for so long...that's a blessing.
When you somehow manage to pay your bills even tho your income on paper shows you are a couple hundred short...that is a blessing.
When you have true friends who are always there to help when in need and be there to celebrate the good....that is a blessing.
When you wake up every day and go to sleep every night in a warm cozy bed....that is a blessing.
When, after 2 years, you find someone special who not only loves you but also asks about your kiddo just as much....that is a blessing.
When you get to see your friends give their life to Christ and you get to witness the awesome change in their life...that is a blessing.
When you go through extremly tough times without using self distructive behavior to cope...that is a blessing.
I am so glad I got that little post card in the mail with fire on it inviting me to Ignite church that's Sunday.
I am so glad that the messages spoke to me.
I'm truly glad that that disfunctional relationship came to a halt. I get to be the mother I knew I could be with a real smile on my face. I get to love Christ. Love myself. Love my kiddos (Justin included). I get to Love others.....
Blessed? ....I think so.