Cutting, lies, and pride....

The first time I cut myself I was 14 years old. I do not even remember the particular reason for it but I remember the actual moment I did it. I know that I had a "friend" who had mental issues and who would talk to me about it. I asked her one day how she cut at school and she told me that in the bathroom there were sharp metal pieces on the towel racks. You know, the old school use the metal handle to push the paper towels out and then rip them off? I went to the bathroom and was a little nervous to do it too hard so I tested it and got a few small scratches on my arm. I did it a few more times and then went back to the science class I was in. I sat down and Jessie asked me right away if I had done it, I shook my head yes and showed her my semi bloodied cuts going across my arm. This continued a few weeks before I began using other objects at home. At first it was almost to just see what it felt like/fit in with Jess almost like I did not want her to feel alone as odd as that sounds. Of course the cutting got worse and worse over the years. I began cutting with razor blades when I was 15 and by 16 almost every single night before bed would have to cut myself. Yes, I was in and out of homes and etc at this time but I still managed. By 17 years old I had slowed down a lot on cutting. I did it at least every other week but it did not seem like an "addiction" it was more of a coping skill. No matter how many different ideas Therapists had about different coping skills NOTHING worked as great as this. I continued to cut on and off until a little under 2 years ago. Since I have given my life to Christ it has not even crossed my mind. I see other girls with scars or even fresh wounds at times and feel as tho my heart cries for them. I would think about how grateful I was that this never crossed my mind anymore. The last 6 months or so have been a crazy ride. I have been preparing for Gastric bypass, had an ovary removed, moved into a house with NO roommates, and started doing even more soul searching. Finances were supposed to be easier but have only become a lot harder. I have been dishonest about how bad it truly has been to the people who have offered to help because failing at providing for my self and these children makes me feel like the biggest failure. I stay positive and keep a smile on my face knowing that Christ has always had my back. I try not to complain in details about the situation and recently have decided it is time to be honest. I am not here to tell you about my finances but to tell you to not push important stuff down so far that eventually it overflows just at the wrong moment. Sometimes it is time to swallow your pride and be honest. I never felt I was a dishonest person but today I admit that I am. In lying about my finances I figured that it was saving others from the pain of maybe not being able to help as well as myself from feeling like a failure. In this roller coaster of emotions the thought crossed my mind once again to cut. I did not think about doing it for more than those few seconds it took to run through my mind but I did think for hours about how I could not believe myself. I could not believe that after so long with never a thought suddenly I spent a few seconds pondering the idea. So, here I am. Finally getting around to writing this blog. From day one of this blog I promised to not hide anything. I know others struggle with their own addictions of sort and I want others to know that at times you have to suck it up and be real. No, I did not cut. No, I do not want to. No, I am not depressed. Yes, I am changing my ways of lying about finances in order to make others feel better and even myself. My pride is not worth it anymore. Thanks for reading friends. P.S. Feel free to share this blog to anyone you know who struggle with self mutilation or even addiction. I am more than happy to lend an ear, open heart, and share in more detail if it is needed.