Self worth rant with love from me.

I had a great day today. I think the greatness really was triggered by watching a recorded service from my church. It brought new light to my new department move at work. Honoring people, even if you do not like them is the right thing to do. I woke up today and began texting a friend who is going through some struggles. It reminded me once again of where my self worth was just a few short years ago and how it spiraled many other things in my life. I can not remember the last time I truly had self worth. I am talking about full fledged loving ones own self in such a way that you can be proud. We all know that there are things we each do not like about our selves...maybe the curly hair, big toes, curvy hips...or whatever else you might kind of complain about quietly to yourself. Those things are not the main parts of the hate I am speaking of when talking about self worth, love, hate, etc. I remember when I was skinny. I walked around so shy and so introverted because I did not like myself. I remember thinking about how much I would love myself if I was skinny and I was finally there feeling the same hate for myself as before. What went wrong? I remember thinking to myself...why am I so useless, ugly, boring, stupid, a failure, etc. I ended up in a relationship feeling those feelings and since I was so busy focusing on the relationship and how much I needed that person I began to make excuses for the things that should have been a red flag in day one. Months turned into years and still, excuses were being made. I gained all my weight back by this time and continued to make excuses for the other persons wrong doings. I make excuses for my wrong doings. How could I have gotten here? Was it not yesterday that I was sitting on my bed at 18 years old in a lock down "group home" giving myself the lecture of how excuses had to stop? Was it not yesterday that I got up, dusted myself off, and fought my way up the ladder to social acceptability..? Yet here I was laying in a bed in Joplin, Missouri thinking about all the excuses once again that I was making to continue to live in a life style that was...well, below me. I deserved better and so did he so did Tay. I got up dusted myself off and fought my broken mind and heart for the next year. I fought to teach myself how to see me again in the mirror. I started leaning on something greater then myself a again something greater than another human. Loving yourself is not an easy task. It is a daily count and check list of how worth it you are and why. As that year progressed I began to see my excuses and how they were exactly that. I began to remember how worth it I was and how no matter what anyone else said I KNEW the right and wrong of that 6 year situation. With the help of some amazing friends I gained me back. So here I am, the Tabby that I was meant to be. Yup, struggling is always there but not excuses for dealing with an insanity packed situation which WAS in my control. So, we learn that we are worth it. We can love our selves. Sometimes they truly do NOT love us and we do not love them but an idea of who that person either was or could have been. The feeling of self love and worth is something I would never trade in a lifetime. So, take an honest look at you and your situation. Sometimes it is best to run and do not worry about weather or not you can do it because you are not alone. You get a blessing of leaning on strong people you trust and Christ and making it out the other side standing up right once again with a smile. You are worth it. We all are.

Cutting, lies, and pride....

The first time I cut myself I was 14 years old. I do not even remember the particular reason for it but I remember the actual moment I did it. I know that I had a "friend" who had mental issues and who would talk to me about it. I asked her one day how she cut at school and she told me that in the bathroom there were sharp metal pieces on the towel racks. You know, the old school use the metal handle to push the paper towels out and then rip them off? I went to the bathroom and was a little nervous to do it too hard so I tested it and got a few small scratches on my arm. I did it a few more times and then went back to the science class I was in. I sat down and Jessie asked me right away if I had done it, I shook my head yes and showed her my semi bloodied cuts going across my arm. This continued a few weeks before I began using other objects at home. At first it was almost to just see what it felt like/fit in with Jess almost like I did not want her to feel alone as odd as that sounds. Of course the cutting got worse and worse over the years. I began cutting with razor blades when I was 15 and by 16 almost every single night before bed would have to cut myself. Yes, I was in and out of homes and etc at this time but I still managed. By 17 years old I had slowed down a lot on cutting. I did it at least every other week but it did not seem like an "addiction" it was more of a coping skill. No matter how many different ideas Therapists had about different coping skills NOTHING worked as great as this. I continued to cut on and off until a little under 2 years ago. Since I have given my life to Christ it has not even crossed my mind. I see other girls with scars or even fresh wounds at times and feel as tho my heart cries for them. I would think about how grateful I was that this never crossed my mind anymore. The last 6 months or so have been a crazy ride. I have been preparing for Gastric bypass, had an ovary removed, moved into a house with NO roommates, and started doing even more soul searching. Finances were supposed to be easier but have only become a lot harder. I have been dishonest about how bad it truly has been to the people who have offered to help because failing at providing for my self and these children makes me feel like the biggest failure. I stay positive and keep a smile on my face knowing that Christ has always had my back. I try not to complain in details about the situation and recently have decided it is time to be honest. I am not here to tell you about my finances but to tell you to not push important stuff down so far that eventually it overflows just at the wrong moment. Sometimes it is time to swallow your pride and be honest. I never felt I was a dishonest person but today I admit that I am. In lying about my finances I figured that it was saving others from the pain of maybe not being able to help as well as myself from feeling like a failure. In this roller coaster of emotions the thought crossed my mind once again to cut. I did not think about doing it for more than those few seconds it took to run through my mind but I did think for hours about how I could not believe myself. I could not believe that after so long with never a thought suddenly I spent a few seconds pondering the idea. So, here I am. Finally getting around to writing this blog. From day one of this blog I promised to not hide anything. I know others struggle with their own addictions of sort and I want others to know that at times you have to suck it up and be real. No, I did not cut. No, I do not want to. No, I am not depressed. Yes, I am changing my ways of lying about finances in order to make others feel better and even myself. My pride is not worth it anymore. Thanks for reading friends. P.S. Feel free to share this blog to anyone you know who struggle with self mutilation or even addiction. I am more than happy to lend an ear, open heart, and share in more detail if it is needed.

You better knock on someone elses door...

Well, the last few weeks of emotions have been way more then enough. I have been looking for a house, dealing with DFS regarding Justin, taking on more responsibilities in one area and letting go of some in others. I've been financially strapped yet have been blessed with all our NEEDS met. I've shred for help when needed....yup ME asking for help! I have also walked away from one of my "cups of red soup".
I realized during all this that my mental illness it still there and too much change is the number one cause of bringing it all out again.
I have learned over the years that I can be a functioning member of society no matter what I was told in those institutions but that I will battle my mental illness forever.
I used to be ashamed to admit how sick I really was at one point and how hard it is to stay away from those "habbits" but nowv I look at it all like just another card I was dealt. I know there are others who struggle with severe mental illnesses and who feel the same as I do. I am so glad that today I see the good in it more then the bad. Those old habits will always affect me just in different ways. Today, the scars on my arms and legs remind me of where I once was and allow me to truly understand the pain others go through when they battle these "issues".
Over stressind and obsessing has been my downfall the last few weeks and although it's not gone yet at least I am able to see what is causing it and that there is an end to it....eventually.
:) Thanks for reading.