Self worth rant with love from me.

I had a great day today. I think the greatness really was triggered by watching a recorded service from my church. It brought new light to my new department move at work. Honoring people, even if you do not like them is the right thing to do. I woke up today and began texting a friend who is going through some struggles. It reminded me once again of where my self worth was just a few short years ago and how it spiraled many other things in my life. I can not remember the last time I truly had self worth. I am talking about full fledged loving ones own self in such a way that you can be proud. We all know that there are things we each do not like about our selves...maybe the curly hair, big toes, curvy hips...or whatever else you might kind of complain about quietly to yourself. Those things are not the main parts of the hate I am speaking of when talking about self worth, love, hate, etc. I remember when I was skinny. I walked around so shy and so introverted because I did not like myself. I remember thinking about how much I would love myself if I was skinny and I was finally there feeling the same hate for myself as before. What went wrong? I remember thinking to myself...why am I so useless, ugly, boring, stupid, a failure, etc. I ended up in a relationship feeling those feelings and since I was so busy focusing on the relationship and how much I needed that person I began to make excuses for the things that should have been a red flag in day one. Months turned into years and still, excuses were being made. I gained all my weight back by this time and continued to make excuses for the other persons wrong doings. I make excuses for my wrong doings. How could I have gotten here? Was it not yesterday that I was sitting on my bed at 18 years old in a lock down "group home" giving myself the lecture of how excuses had to stop? Was it not yesterday that I got up, dusted myself off, and fought my way up the ladder to social acceptability..? Yet here I was laying in a bed in Joplin, Missouri thinking about all the excuses once again that I was making to continue to live in a life style that was...well, below me. I deserved better and so did he so did Tay. I got up dusted myself off and fought my broken mind and heart for the next year. I fought to teach myself how to see me again in the mirror. I started leaning on something greater then myself a again something greater than another human. Loving yourself is not an easy task. It is a daily count and check list of how worth it you are and why. As that year progressed I began to see my excuses and how they were exactly that. I began to remember how worth it I was and how no matter what anyone else said I KNEW the right and wrong of that 6 year situation. With the help of some amazing friends I gained me back. So here I am, the Tabby that I was meant to be. Yup, struggling is always there but not excuses for dealing with an insanity packed situation which WAS in my control. So, we learn that we are worth it. We can love our selves. Sometimes they truly do NOT love us and we do not love them but an idea of who that person either was or could have been. The feeling of self love and worth is something I would never trade in a lifetime. So, take an honest look at you and your situation. Sometimes it is best to run and do not worry about weather or not you can do it because you are not alone. You get a blessing of leaning on strong people you trust and Christ and making it out the other side standing up right once again with a smile. You are worth it. We all are.

2 years and here we are.....

It's funny how I don't seem to remember an exact conversation that lead to the end of the relationship. I just remember the pain that lead up to the break up and the moment I found myself laying on the bathroom floor with a knife to my wrist begging the "God" I had no belief in for an answer... for help...for a reason.
Now I know people talk about all these amazing, sweet, super special moments when they felt they met Christ but mine was nothing like that.... Here I was laying there, poofy eyes, snot running down my face, cuts on my arm, begging for an answer. At the time I didn't believe in God so it almost felt as if I was talking to the air....
I can't even remember most of the things that came out of my mouth... I just remember the wave of emotions that swept through my body. Suddenly my brain started proccessing the same scenarios in a different light. I started hearing my surroundings again...Tay in the living room playing with her adopted uncles and aunties. Cloie's dog tags jingling as she walked around. To you these may seem like small things but to me...these were life savers and life changers. I remember my rule which I made to help control those "manic episodes" I used to have, I would give myself 6 months to try this "God" thing people talked about. I had been to Ignite a few times since Tay was born but never truly got it. I got myself up off that floor and carried on. Began going to Church weekly and began learning how to love me again. Started learning how I did wrong by hearing the word of God. I remember when I raised my hand to give my life to Christ. I remember how scared I was and how weird it felt that I, Tabatha Carter, the girl who would yell at you for praying for me, the girl who laughed at "church people", was now giving her life to Christ. Allowing Him to guide me and willing to try another way....a way other then my own.
I got baptised not long after that and started processing how to follow Christ in all the ways I possibly could. I learned that I could be me and be a Christian. I learned what a Church family was. I learned how amazing it was to have Christ in your corner and how He seemed to make the impossible possible again.
I decided to write this blog for many reasons but one was because Easter is quickly approaching and this marks a year since my Baptism at Ignite.
I can't believe the blessings that have come my way in last year and a half. I have amazing friends, an amazing little girl who is on fire for God as well, and the belief that I matter again.
After six years in a disfunctional relationship I forgot who I was, where I wanted to go in life, and most importantly that I mattered. I got to learn to love me again which kept me out of another disfunctional relationship. I learned that I was beautiful, smart, sexy, kind, a great mother, and most of all worth it. Almost 2 years after the split I finally felt ready to start trying to give people chances again.
I talk a lot about these crazy blessings I have had come my way in the last year but am not always specific.
When you get approved for certain deperatly needed assistance after being denied for so long...that's a blessing.
When you somehow manage to pay your bills even tho your income on paper shows you are a couple hundred short...that is a blessing.
When you have true friends who are always there to help when in need and be there to celebrate the good....that is a blessing.
When you wake up every day and go to sleep every night in a warm cozy bed....that is a blessing.
When, after 2 years, you find someone special who not only loves you but also asks about your kiddo just as much....that is a blessing.
When you get to see your friends give their life to Christ and you get to witness the awesome change in their life...that is a blessing.
When you go through extremly tough times without using self distructive behavior to cope...that is a blessing.
I am so glad I got that little post card in the mail with fire on it inviting me to Ignite church that's Sunday.
I am so glad that the messages spoke to me.
I'm truly glad that that disfunctional relationship came to a halt. I get to be the mother I knew I could be with a real smile on my face. I get to love Christ. Love myself. Love my kiddos (Justin included). I get to Love others.....
Blessed? ....I think so.