Cutting, lies, and pride....

The first time I cut myself I was 14 years old. I do not even remember the particular reason for it but I remember the actual moment I did it. I know that I had a "friend" who had mental issues and who would talk to me about it. I asked her one day how she cut at school and she told me that in the bathroom there were sharp metal pieces on the towel racks. You know, the old school use the metal handle to push the paper towels out and then rip them off? I went to the bathroom and was a little nervous to do it too hard so I tested it and got a few small scratches on my arm. I did it a few more times and then went back to the science class I was in. I sat down and Jessie asked me right away if I had done it, I shook my head yes and showed her my semi bloodied cuts going across my arm. This continued a few weeks before I began using other objects at home. At first it was almost to just see what it felt like/fit in with Jess almost like I did not want her to feel alone as odd as that sounds. Of course the cutting got worse and worse over the years. I began cutting with razor blades when I was 15 and by 16 almost every single night before bed would have to cut myself. Yes, I was in and out of homes and etc at this time but I still managed. By 17 years old I had slowed down a lot on cutting. I did it at least every other week but it did not seem like an "addiction" it was more of a coping skill. No matter how many different ideas Therapists had about different coping skills NOTHING worked as great as this. I continued to cut on and off until a little under 2 years ago. Since I have given my life to Christ it has not even crossed my mind. I see other girls with scars or even fresh wounds at times and feel as tho my heart cries for them. I would think about how grateful I was that this never crossed my mind anymore. The last 6 months or so have been a crazy ride. I have been preparing for Gastric bypass, had an ovary removed, moved into a house with NO roommates, and started doing even more soul searching. Finances were supposed to be easier but have only become a lot harder. I have been dishonest about how bad it truly has been to the people who have offered to help because failing at providing for my self and these children makes me feel like the biggest failure. I stay positive and keep a smile on my face knowing that Christ has always had my back. I try not to complain in details about the situation and recently have decided it is time to be honest. I am not here to tell you about my finances but to tell you to not push important stuff down so far that eventually it overflows just at the wrong moment. Sometimes it is time to swallow your pride and be honest. I never felt I was a dishonest person but today I admit that I am. In lying about my finances I figured that it was saving others from the pain of maybe not being able to help as well as myself from feeling like a failure. In this roller coaster of emotions the thought crossed my mind once again to cut. I did not think about doing it for more than those few seconds it took to run through my mind but I did think for hours about how I could not believe myself. I could not believe that after so long with never a thought suddenly I spent a few seconds pondering the idea. So, here I am. Finally getting around to writing this blog. From day one of this blog I promised to not hide anything. I know others struggle with their own addictions of sort and I want others to know that at times you have to suck it up and be real. No, I did not cut. No, I do not want to. No, I am not depressed. Yes, I am changing my ways of lying about finances in order to make others feel better and even myself. My pride is not worth it anymore. Thanks for reading friends. P.S. Feel free to share this blog to anyone you know who struggle with self mutilation or even addiction. I am more than happy to lend an ear, open heart, and share in more detail if it is needed.

We do not run off statistics.

I want to tell a story about a good friend of mine who came into my life at an amazing time. The day Jeremy (Taylor's dad) moved out a friend, whom I had hardly known at that moment, moved in. He needed a place and I was not ready to live alone. As I think back to it now it could not have worked out better. At first Jeremy started with visiting Taylor constantly which lasted about a month and after that he acted like it was a chore to even come say hi to her. I remember him coming into the apartment complex to see his friends and avoiding our window so Taylor wouldn't see him. Within a few months he moved to Indiana to be with his new woman and got married shortly after that. He left May 2010 and since then has seen Taylor less then 10 times. Taylor last say her dad Jan 2011 and last spoke with him Oct 23. Meanwhile a friend of mine came into our home and began helping me with Taylor. This friend had not been able to see his own daughter very much and missed her terribly. The first year to year and a half I truly think that this friend helped Taylor in a way that I would have never in my life been able to fill. She responded with helping his heart heal a little as well. They became like best friends....the best adopted uncle a kiddo could ever ask for. It is funny how God puts people in your life at just the right time. I at times wonder if this friendship she has with my friend has been one of the factors of her being so positive about not having a dad around. Taylor never gets sad or worried about Jeremy not being in her life and even comes to her own conclusions about it without me saying anything. She refers to him being gone as, "My daddy ran away". She says constantly that she has a daddy but he ran away and is busy. I never have put anything in her head about him as I believe she should come up with her own ideas about who Jeremy is. I do however answer her questions in an honest manner and try not to get annoyed when she crys for her dad which used to only happen when she was in trouble....thank goodness we made it past that stage. Taylor has been handed a pretty awesome card in her life to have such amazing people surround her and shower her with love. I can not wait to see how she changes the world when she is grown as she has already touched many peoples hearts. As for Jeremy, I do hope that he realizes that he still has a daughter in the world whom is his blood and if he doesn't ever come around again I know that Taylor will grow to be awesome anyway. I have made a promise to myself that I will NEVER fall into the statistics trap about children being raised by single parents. My daughter is going to be just as awesome as any child who has both parents and knowing how strong she already is I know she will not feed into that either. Life is completely manageable as a single parent. It is not only manageable but in my case is such a happier situation than what would have ever been possible before. Don't ever think you can not do it. Do not ever think that you will fail because of finances or even just the feeling of being lonely. There is never a reason to stay in a situation which is unsafe or dysfunctional because you are scared of what it will do to your children. We get to teach our children how amazing they are and how their situation is a blessing not a curse or a cause for a pity party. :)

Single....parent....pity

At times I wonder if some of the events we get invited too are simply because of pity. I try to remind myself that I am a pretty decent human and people like my company but at times that isn't enough.

I moved to Missouri at a time when I acted on impulses without a second thought and when I had no true responsibilities. I moved here in love with a man whom probably wasn't as great as my young heart wanted to believe.

Fast forward a few years....

I have Taylor, become a single mom and then take in a teenager as well. I know that in Missouri I have an amazing support system with amazing friends but in reality as a single mom with no "other half" it's tough. My daughter doesn't get to see grandparents at holidays or on weekends and I get to feel like a pity invite at most functions. Life is meant for single people with no kids or families with both parents. Big adventures can be almost impossible at times.

I remember going to visit grandparents during the holidays. I remember my Grandma Jans Ham at Christmas and summer playing skipbo with Grandma Stewart. I can't help feel heart broken that my daughter will be four and I can count on one hand the amount of visits she has had with family.

I keep praying that He shows me why I'm supposed to stay here or a way for me to be closer to home.

Until then I'll remember that God has a reason for this venture and Im sure it's way bigger then I could ever dream of.

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